This is probably very badly written because I'm tired and am trying not to fall asleep as I type.

I moved into a new apartment today.  I found the people/place and made the move-in arrangements all the way back in March, so I've interacted with the roommates a few times since then, but we still don't know each other very well.

Getting my wisdom tooth out in about two hours, and I haven't been able to eat today. It's almost like not being able to eat makes me WANT to eat even more. Sure, I decided that I wanted to eat today last night, because I feel a bit bad for not eating enough. But... I'm sure if today I woke up and COULD eat something, I'd be a hell of a lot more hesitant. But... that's not the point.
I'm only getting one wisdom tooth out, so it should be bad as far as pain goes. However, if I am in pain, or using that as an excuse to not eat solid foods... I'm not sure what I can eat that has a decent amount of calories. I'm planning on having soup tonight or tomorrow and Jello. But... I know that's not enough. I've already fallen into the underweight category and I want to attempt to maintain my weight if not gain a few pounds (which... i'm not too enthusiastic about). I guess I'm just looking for suggestions of what I can eat for the next few days. Soft, not too spiced up foods that won't scare me too much ^_^;;. What can I do to sneak a few calories in when I'm not eating a lot? Eep. I can't believe I'm asking that.

Call my crazy, but I'm looking out the window.
No, I don't mean I'm crazy for searching. I am crazy because outside there are tall, elegant trees swaying with the wind, There is a bright, blue sky. There are birds chirping and inviting me to come to them. There garden, it's right there I know it is, it's perfectly kept and beautiful flowers blooming. I am crazy because... I can't see it.
Take me to this place, I should say. Right around me, I can almost feel it. I don't though, I sit quietly and watch.
What is this place, I do say. It's right next to me, I can almost feel it. I cannot see it, so I am inside.
The trees from here look bare and broken. There is no wind but stinging heat. The sky is dusty, clouded and dull. The birds have all gone elsewhere. The garden is barren and not a garden at all, just a plot in the ground.
So now can you call me crazy? Everyone else does. I've got everything I need, and I cannot see it.


When I do venture into this place after catching glimpses it's wonderful. Delightful even. Solid, real. But it keeps disappearing. I know it's there... I feel it. It's painful to know of the outside world and be unable to reach it.

Name: Nami
Age: 17 this september
Location:  Us, the east cost
Disorder (optional):Orthorexic and anorexic tendencies, but not diagnosed proffessionally
Preferred medium: drawing, music
How did you find us? (If applicable, specify the user or community): saw you on someone's profile friend list, I don't remember who
What inspires you?:  music
Favorite artists/writers/musicians?: Yoko Kanno, Hans Zimmer, Koji Kondo
What mediums do you want to learn or try out?: none inparticular
What do you hope to see in this community?: a little support
Describe yourself in 5 words: Changing, stubborn, supportive, facade, different
Anything else?: I've never tired this before... seems like an interesting helpful thing. I guess that's it.

Is anyone diagnosed with REAL borderline personality disorder. I'm not talking about self-diagnoses or one trait. I'm talking about full fledged BPD and an eating disorder? And if you managed to recover (FROM THE EATING DISORDER THIS IS AN EATING DISORDER COMM), how the hell did you manage?

I've done DBT that is not what I'm talking about.
How did you recovery from your eating disorder with BPD??

I am so ANGRY.  Angry at my best friend first of all- so heres the scoop.  we went away together and I was so optimistic the whole time.  but she was always so moody.  Then she didnt really call me when we came back ( i figured she needed some space, w/e)... then she went someplace WE were supposed to go to with someone else.. and showed up at my work tonight to visit someone else and when she found out I was working too she was like "oh. hi"

and I am feeling so hurt/betrayed.



i am so sick of this. this anger. this betrayal.   

My mind is so many places.... still.
I'm getting to see my boyfriend today, which is good. But until then, I'm probably just going to sit here like normal.

Eh... I'm not aloud to say numbers, so bare with me: I was a healthy weight before we went on vacation, and lost a bit afterwards somehow, still healthy though according to my bmi. yesterday I hardly ate, just stressed out. and now i apparently lost more weight just from that and am now underweight. when i use to fast all the time and restrict a lot, i never lost weight this fast. it's concerning me, i can see my body slowly changing. I don't exactly want to be rail thin.... my body isn't exactly horrible. it has parts I like. but.... i can't seem to find anything i want to eat. i feel like no thing should pass my mouth that isn't pure. i just want to eat watermelon or berries all day, but that won't really help me maintain weight or get all the nutrients I need. I know i need to start getting better, I am aware but.... my mouth says no. The just woken up feeling tells me : "Don't you freaking DARE put anything greasy, frozen or high in carbs in me, I just won't accept it because you don't need it." I use to be full blown anorexic, restricting and constantly in the mirror thinking i looked fat no matter what the truth was. Maybe it took me till now (and constant talking to friends about it) to realize I'm not really. I don't love myself, but I'm not horrible. And it's keeping me from recovering.... i kinda like my body now even if it scares me, all i need is some muscle tone and my mind says, the bad foods are waiting to ruin your body. I've heard of orthorexia becomeing anorexia, but the other way around?

im scared im relapsing into different eating patterns, instead of panicing over everything i put in my mouth, i shovel what i feel is a " binge" worthy amount in ( but probably isnt) and then compensate for it by going to the gym. I didnt realise i was doing this untill like now when i forced myself to excersize when im not in the mood to. Its just i keep gaining weight and its difficult to deal with you know? now that ive given my body abit of fuel it always craves more and it makes me panic so much that im gna lose all control and gain tons of weight. Is this the ED talking? Whats going on with me? im so confused, any words would help right now. 

Im glad to hear alot of you are doing better, stay strong everyone xoxo

so today is the start of a new week and the very first week of being back to college well on wednesday. but i want to start a healthier me after a really bad weekend.

ok my question is i want to start working out to be lean and healthy, but what should i do and what time of the day is best for that? thanks! hope yall are havin a great day!

the colors swell
like a feeling, bursting out
and tingling through
the tips of my fingers
and these spectrums
always pulsate
like my heart
in tune with
the music.

always flying high.
never hit the ground.

hello everyone,
i hope your all okay
just a question, when i dont go to the toilet for a poo (hmmm..) in the morning by the afternoon i get anxiety attacks and dizzyness from it, im just wondering does anyone else get it? i was just wondering because im not sure if i should get checked out at the doctors or not. also i get bad anxiety attacks and sickness from things like, catching the bus by myself, meeting my new friends parents or just little things that dont matter. i would understand if i had it before but its just come on suddenly in like the last two months
replies or advice on how to cope with it would be very much appreciated!!
hope your all strong and happy
thankyou :)
Ellen
xxxx

hey  guys! i have a question Ive been wondering for a while....

i was just released from inpatient and am now in out patient. i still have to gain weight, but i already feel HUGE. the logical part of me knows im not at this weight, but i still can't stand looking at myself. when has the body dysmorphia lessened for some of you? or does it NEVER go away! i hate this....i can't even stand to look at myself anymore....so if anyone has any advice about the dysmorphia, i'd REALLY appreciate it...

much love girls!! and guys  ha

I'm worried about not worrying about my weight.